In Memory of Rob and Michelle Reiner

Parents’ Fear of Being Seriously Harmed or Killed by Their Child has been the most frequent category of cases referred to me for more than two decades. The public response to such situations is often one of shock, yet this phenomenon is far less rare than commonly assumed. It remains largely unspoken, however, for a variety of reasons. Recent public horror surrounding the tragic deaths of Rob and Michelle Reiner—allegedly at the hands of their son—illustrates this collective disbelief. These cases are frequently reduced to discussions of substance abuse, but addiction alone does not capture the complex realities unfolding behind closed doors. What is rarely acknowledged is the sustained terror experienced by parents who live without peace or safety in their own homes.

As a criminologist with four decades of professional experience and specialization in this area, I seek to illuminate the realities faced by families living under these circumstances. My objective is to bring these experiences into the open so that informed, honest conversations can occur. In the absence of such dialogue, families are forced into secrecy, perpetually bracing for the next incident.

The first myth that must be addressed is the belief that these families are somehow “other.” They are not. They are not from marginalized or distant communities; they are often the families standing beside us in everyday life. Frequently—though not exclusively—these are families of relative privilege. In many cases, those around the young person minimize concerns, walking on eggshells to avoid confrontation. Household stability is rare. Importantly, academic success or outward behavioral compliance should not be used as indicators of safety or well-being. Some of these youths excel in school and present no overt behavioral problems; others do not. Neither profile reliably predicts risk.

A second misconception concerns substance use, particularly the belief that marijuana is inherently benign. Many parents are unfamiliar with DAB, a concentrated form of cannabis produced by free-basing marijuana with butane. This process can elevate THC levels to as high as approximately 90 percent. While standard marijuana use is often associated with depressant effects, DAB use is frequently linked to heightened agitation, aggression, irritability, and anger—symptoms that can resemble those associated with PCP intoxication. Use of DAB is said to deeply affect the frontal lobe of the brain. Standard drug screenings typically detect only cannabis, masking the severity of the substance involved. Substance misuse in these cases may also include early experimentation with cough suppressants (“robotripping”) and ongoing self-medication at school or in social settings.

Within the home, many parents engage in extraordinary safety measures. Some sleep with their bedroom doors locked, furniture barricaded to alert them if the child enters. Others lock the child’s bedroom door from the outside for similar reasons. Weapons are a central concern: knives are often removed due to their frequent use in violent incidents, and firearms are ideally eliminated from the home. Nonetheless, I remain deeply troubled by how often parents retain unsecured firearms, believing them to be inaccessible or unknown to the child— an assumption that is frequently incorrect.

Many parents are reluctant to be alone with their child and privately count down the years until the child reaches adulthood, hoping separation will follow. However, these young people often remain in the home well into their twenties or thirties, significantly exacerbating risk and distress. Property destruction, physical assaults, and severe intimidation are not uncommon. In numerous cases, parents—not the child—ultimately leave the home to protect themselves. I work with parents to recognize behavioral warning signs, including changes in eye affect. A flat, vacant gaze—what many describe as “dead eyes”—is frequently reported prior to violent incidents. The motivations behind such violence vary widely. In some cases, there is a history of abuse; in others, perceived slights such as the removal of a cellphone or limits on screen time can trigger intense rage. Many youths secretly accumulate weapons within the home, unknown to their caregivers. This is a form of domestic violence, though it does not conform to traditional societal images of that phenomenon.

Legal interventions, such as ex parte orders, present a double-edged sword. While they may provide a brief cooling-off period of several days, they do not offer long-term solutions. Nevertheless, they can be valuable in creating space to develop safety plans and strategies aimed at preventing further violence.

Despite having testified, authored expert reports, and trained professionals on this issue, the deaths of Rob and Michelle Reiner have profoundly affected me as well. I saw Rob only last year, and like so many others, I am heartbroken by this tragedy. It raises a critical question: how do we, as a society, respond? We must normalize discussion of this issue—without judgment—and support families in developing realistic, compassionate safety plans. This family, by all accounts, exhausted available options.

We can never fully know what occurs behind another family’s door. Let us learn from this tragedy by opening both that door and our collective arms to those who carry this burden in silence. These families are not “over there.” They are our neighbors, colleagues, and friends—living with a profound and often hidden fear.