Services To Families with Challenging Teens

When one thinks of domestic violence we all conjure up different images of what we think DV looks like. But whether we are thinking of physical abuse, emotional abuse, or sexual abuse, the same question comes up with most people who are not familiar with the sociology of domestic violence. And that is why does the woman stay?

The reasons are many:

• She is isolated logistically from family and friends.
• She is embarrassed for family and friends to know what is going on behind closed doors
• She is financially dependent on him.
• He threatens to take the children away if she leaves him
• He threatens to hurt her or the children if she leaves.
• She still loves him, desperately wants to the family to stay intact and feels that if she changes her behaviors, things will get better.

Who are these women who are victims of domestic violence?
Again, DV crosses socio-economic lines, affects racial groups. These are women are professional women as well
as stay at home moms.

Why do people abuse?
That is a question easier to answer than why the victim stays. The abuse is all about power and control.

How does the abuser achieve that power over their victim?
Very slowly. Many abusers are extremely romantic and attentive at the start of the relationship. Over time, the “caring” and “attention” turns into obsessive control.

In Alaska, DV is a misdemeanor, however the sentences and parole conditions are different than most misdemeanors. For example, in Alaska, once someone is convicted of domestic violence, they are not allowed to own a firearm. If abusers are from different countries there is the chance they will get deported. If there are children in the household who can either see or hear the violence, added charges of child abuse may be added to the domestic violence charge. In Alaska, law enforcement is required to make an arrest or take at least one of the party’s away when they are given a
report of DV.

Possible Effects of Domestic Violence on Children/Youth

Internal Effects

• Learned Behavior: Like all children, kids who grow up in abusive homes learn about adult relationships by watching their parents’ relationship

  • Abusive behavior is normal to them
  • They don’t learn healthy coping mechanisms or healthy communication techniques
• Abuse is a Secret: They don’t discuss the abuse as a family

  • They don’t talk about how it happens or how it feels
  • They learn to stuff their feelings
  • These children often don’t want other children or other people to go to their home, further isolating them and maintaining the “secret”
• Feeling Guilt/Divided Loyalties: Some children feel guilty because they love the parent who is abusive, even though that parent is also causing a great deal of pain in the family

  • Sometimes the children are perplexed by the love they feel for the abuser so they rationalize that the abusers behaviors must be OK, otherwise loving them wouldn’t be normal
  • Because many parents argue over the way they raise their children, children from violent homes sometimes feel guilty they might “start” a fight and therefore be responsible for the abuse
• Develop Emotional Self-Protection: Some children become emotionally detached as a form of self-protection

  • Can’t empathize, that is dangerous
• Growing up in an abusive home affects their inner peace and their expectation of “home” as a place of stability and safety

• School/Social Behavior
  • Grades plummet
  • Attendance becomes erratic
  • Children fight more
  • Disregard for rules
  • Commit small crimes
  • Use verbal bullets
• Behavior at Home
  • Some of these children actually become abusive to victim, imitating the abusive parent
  • Lose respect for the parental authority of the victim
  • Only respond to discipline from the abusive parent, who is perceived as the one “in control”
    OR
  • Become protective of the victimized parent
  • Try to intervene during abusive incident
• Self-Destructive Coping Mechanisms
  • Some of these children feel such a loss of control, that they become self-destructive to have some type of control over
    their lives
  • Girls more likely to have eating disorders
  • Boys more likely to commit suicide
  • Some of these children are sexually promiscuous
  • More likely to abuse drugs/alcohol at a young age
• Teen Dating Relationships
  • Many of these male children grow up to be abusers
  • Many of the females grow up to be victims
  • Increase in teen dating violence which can begin as young as 13 years old

• Accountability for Abusive Parent
  • If police are not called, no one from outside of the family intervenes on behalf of victim to stop the violence
  • If police are called but are not able to determine primary aggressor, child learns that police will not protect them
  • If police do arrest but abuser comes home, the child learns that safety is temporary
  • If the family does not talk about the abuse, it’s as if it never happened, it’s a normal part of the family dynamic
• Perception of Parents
  
  • After an incident of DV, the victim is often dealing with posttraumatic stress syndrome. It is common for the victim to feel pain, short-tempered, and thus not as involved with the child
  • An abuser if often in the “honeymoon stage,” offering gifts, apologies, and is good-natured
  • The child may be confused by feeling himself/herself align with the “nicer” parent at this point
  • Some children try to become the parent of the parent: afraid to leave victim of abuse alone at home for fear of what may happen to her
  • May see the abusive parent as “stronger”
  • May view the victimized parent as “weak,” especially when she is not able to defend herself against physical abuse
  • May begin to align with “stronger” abusive parent for self-protection

**For children of abuse, important to keep them busy with outside activities and to have mentors throughout their lives to
show them there can be other ways.

Shelters try to provide short term counseling for the children, role modeling, provide a safe place

**As a culture, we believe violence is an acceptable way to deal with conflict.

Emotional Abuse

• Silent treatment
• Talking down
• Severe put downs
• Public humiliation
• Yelling
• Mental abuse such as hiding things
• Intimidation-close proximity, invading personal space
• Using their eyes to create fear
• Punching holes in the wall

Victims are isolated from their families
Abuser either threatens to hurt children or take the children away -Saying bad things about the other parent

Victim feels shame and humiliation, even pushing the little support system they have away

Victims of abuse can be intelligent, professional—Domestic Violence occurs in every culture, every race, every religion, every ethnicity

Couples counseling is not effective. Couples counseling assumes a safe atmosphere where both people can honestly state their feelings, concerns. When one partner has systematically “punished” the other partner for being assertive or honest in the past, there is no basis for effective communication in couples counseling.

In DV state emotional abuse is the worst. The bruises heal but the words don’t.

Domestic violence is all about power and control. Abusers feel they have a sense of entitlement. They actually believe they have that right to control their partners, the right to have all their needs met by their partner, the right to be the center of attention in that relationship at all times. In order to get abuser to stop abusing, the treatment must address the abusers belief system, and the abuser must be willing to do the lifelong work it will take to change their belief systems. Many programs can’t do that.